By using our Services or clicking I agree, you agree to our use of cookies. Parental feelings of unconditional love toward the children you’ve just adopted won’t always happen immediately–not even with biological parents and their infants. When people find out my family was formed through adoption, foster care and two surprise biological children, they usually have a lot of questions. But intuition is not correlation -- not in any provable sense. As you can see in this sub, all adoptees experience adoption differently. The most troubling part of the above statements from adoptees is the one who says "he is grateful and all." If my parents died, I would be absolutely crushed. What were the adoptive parents like growing up? Best wishes to you! I never thought of them as not being my parents, because they raised me and loved me. CTRL + SPACE for auto-complete. Now my question for this is: Do you think they should not be reminded that they are adopted at all? Educate people who often interact with your child about how to handle him or her but remember to maintain confidentiality. The child who lived in an institution may have different needs and fears from the child who came from a toxic prenatal environment who may be different from the child who experienced extreme neglect who may be different from the child who has a genetic predisposition to mental health issues who may be different from the child who has a diagnosed medical issue. The love I have for my kids may express itself differently for each child as we work to meet the unique needs they came with and losses they struggle to address. And I am worried that we wont have a real connection because they wont think of me as a 'real parent'. No way, man! Children react to the people and environments around them, so it really depends on the type of home and family situation you build for your kids. As you talk to them about what they did wrong, put your hand on their shoulder and give them a hug at the end of the conversation to ensure them that, even if you are not pleased with their behavior, you still love them. It just depends on the relationship. I grew up with not just my mom and dad, but with 3 uncles, two aunts, and 20 some cousins around. If your children hit their sister or brother, hug them and explain how hugging feels better than hitting. Maybe this is how OP feels. I am thankful that my Bio Mom chose to have me vs aborting me, but thats as far as it goes. I understand that for birth parents who have bonded well with their offspring, it is intuitive to believe that having shared your body or genetic matter with your children directly correlates to the depth of your ability to love or feel, or how much you would do for them. I have always really wanted to adopt. Every single one of them were biologically related, and my brother and sister and I (also not biologically related to each other) were welcomed in to the family like they brought us home from the hospital themselves. Many people worry that they will not be able to love an adopted child as much as a biological child. Adoption isn't just for people who aren't able to have children biologically. I do have a difficult relationship with my adoptive mother & although I will be sad when she dies, there will be an underlying relief that I don't have to pretend for her anymore. If I'd been their biological kid, I'm sure I'd have made the same decision. She reminds me all the time, and the reason why we are no contact is she told me that "perhaps (my) birth mom should have kept (me)". It’s also possible that your adopted family haven’t properly understood or looked after y They may not admit it, but they still have these niggling doubts. I freaking love my family. I am invested into them, with time, money, patience, trust, and many other things that cannot be regained. Hi Reddit - hoping for a bit of advice. I tried a couple times, but decided to stop because I just didn't want to. You do not have to tell the child’s story. If my biological parents died, I'd be let down that I didn't get to meet them, but it wouldn't really affect me. There is no difference in the amount of love I have for my adopted and biological children. I understand what you saying however, when you get a baby from birth you get this attachment and there is no way that you will not love that child like you own. I dont mean in a "I adopted you. My wife and I (both women) don't want to get pregnant. If you are on the fence about adoption because you’re concerned you can’t love an adopted child just as much as you would a biological child, let me assure you, YOU CAN. I've heard a LOT of stories of adopted kids who had one or both of their adoptive parents (or grandparents) never let them forget they were adopted and "should be grateful." Some do not even know their ethnicity and even their vitally important family medical history is a blank slate. 19. There are vet visits that need to be considered (sometimes specialty vets), there are health and behavioral risks that must be considered - things your child is literally TOO YOUNG to be responsible for. And each of these kids will be different because they grew up in a family where they had to learn to respect the needs of their siblings and support their parents as they worked to meet those needs. It’s possible you do care and love your adopted family, but the feelings might be suppressed out of fear of abandonment. BTW, my father adopted me. When I was pregnant with my first biological child, I remember fearing that I wouldn’t love him as much as my adopted children. For example, Arlo says:If the player becomes pregnant, they will receive a -30% Max Stamina and -30% Defense debuff during the pregnancy, and the husband will often say to take it easy and not to strain themselves.If the NPC wife becomes pregnant, she will either say she's tired or outright state that she thinks she's pregnant. Then there was the fact that Cheri was a hugely damaged and difficult child. Quotes For Living Your Best Life Today, For Now, I Have to Remain Confident and Comfortable Being the ‘No’ Mom, If You Care About Mental Health, Then Take COVID Precautions Seriously, The Number One Reason Your Baby is Not Sleeping Through the Night. There are many ways in which adoption has shaped the kind of parent I have become. The risk of adoption disruption increases with age, from less than 1 percent in infants to up to 26 percent for kids adopted after age 15, according two 1988 studies. Adoption is a selfish act. Or do you see it as a last resort? They adopted me, my sister, and my brother. We knew when we pursued adoption and foster care that we were passionate about these kids. Even though I am no contact with my (adoptive) parents, they are still my parents. When my daughter was three, we started trying for another baby.I was desperate for a second child as I love being a mother and I wanted a sibling for Hailey. ∆ Yes, you're right. Just like having a second child doesn’t subtract your love from the first child, birth families typically don’t take away. Uhhh. I've met them. Only for the reason that my mom thinks I should be eternally grateful for them adopting me. Short answer: no. Also, don’t expect your children to feel affection and love toward you either. If anything, I love and respect them more for taking in a child who wasn't biologically theirs and giving me the opportunities I never would have had otherwise. We don't inherently love our adoptive parents less, just because they aren't our blood. As someone else so eloquently stated, love does not subtract, it multiples. Adopted children deserve to have the adjective dropped. I've never met the lady who gave birth to me, and when I do, I will thank her for giving me the gift of such a wonderful family to love me. I want a kid and I want to adopt them. I love my parents, their awesome, they raised me, but its not like they're my real parents, but they're close enough for me. Press J to jump to the feed. And their 3 biological kids (all born AFTER i was adopted) are my annoying, awesome, kind-of cool siblings. This does not foster a loving parent-child relationship. The love many not be the same because this child will be unique and will create in you a unique love, but you can love them equally. My Mom offered me all the info on my bio family they had when I turned 18. NOPE - you are the parent who made the decision to purchase this animal. Thats true. I don't believe it would be any different if they were my biological parents. I loved my adoptive parents just fine growing up. You've changed my view from "impossible" to "unlikely, but possible." I parent with trauma in mind. I think as in everything, it depends on the parent and the child (ren). My 'adoptive' family is all I need. I parent with a priority placed on creating a safe, warm, loving, structured environment that promotes attachment. Write CSS OR LESS and hit save. We want them to feel totally confident in their equal worth and value to our family. It was the same feeling I had when I held my internationally adopted son for the first time. Period. No. I never even thought of them as my "real" or "adoptive" family, because they are just my family. There are moments this doesn’t all seem fair to the kids involved. They are my real parents. An open juice box will never get tossed into your brand new leather handbag and leak all … You'll never know about Caillou or the kind of damage he can do to your already fragile mental state. Do Not buy an animal for your child and then say to them 'well, he's yours now, you have to take care of him'. They already know they’re different, but when we point out the beauty of those differences with love and affection for their history, it allows our children to embrace them. He is your child. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. And that’s okay. My suggestion to you would be to seek counselling for your aversion to pregnancy & see if the natural route is possible. Their needs and gifts and losses aren’t the same. 2. My cousins constantly forget that we are adopted. I was adopted at birth, and was raised knowing I was adopted. I'm curious why you're advising her to try to get pregnant. We are all going to screw up our kids in various ways. Have your own children again? If you choose to adopt, just love them as if they're you're own, and you'll have no problem. I dont want to birth one because I find pregnancy to be incredibly disturbing. Never forget how blessed you are; Your child is truly blessed to have been adopted by two parents as loving as you both 3. Many of us know the intensity of the love we feel for someone who was once a stranger to us in the context of marriage, but some people seem unable to imagine that we could fiercely love a child who came to us as a stranger, too. I actually know quite a few adoptees who feel that way, particularly those who never bonded particularly well with their adoptive parents & then felt an instant connection to their biological relatives. They're the only parents I ever had....Geez- They raised me from 8 weeks old, and am very close to both of them. I'm going to try to answer this question from a different prospective, one of an adopted child. She would LOVE for you to join her at her blog, this doesn’t all seem fair to the kids involved, 20 Martin Luther King Jr. But two miscarriages later, we were told our doctor that it was never going to happen naturally.. We both decided to go down the adoption route and, luckily, were still young enough to qualify.. Every child can be your favorite. But as far as I know, I love em as much as anyone loves their parents. Their stories aren’t the same. His other co-worker (aaron) has a similar story. The connection with my biological mother is different, because we have a blood band, but I can tell for certain that love my adoptive parents with all my heart and that will never change... My older sister was put up for adoption and she doesn't consider her adoptive parents her parents either. Since my view was that it would be impossible for any parent to love an adopted child as much as their biological child, I now agree that it is possible for some parents to love their adopted child as much as their biological child. Have you ever wondered if it was really possible to love a child that was not born to you and does not share your genes? The love many not be the same because this child will be unique and will create in you a unique love, but you can love them equally. To celebrate the day they were brought into the family. I guess my worries come from not actually knowing many adopted people, so when I heard that both of them didnt care for their parents it worried me. Four were adopted (one internationally from Liberia, three through foster care) and two were biological surprises. Is this a typical thing? Each of us thought we were my mom’s favorite. She and I were very close. Now, this doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong – you haven’t – it’s a common trait among only children, and also eldest children. Parents of more than one child know how tough that can be even if the kids are all biologically related. (They were not adopted into the same family btw. Prior to becoming parents, Maralee and her husband were houseparents at a children’s home and had the privilege of helping to raise 17 boys during their five year tenure. Its because our mom and dad saw us as their children, and we are a part of their family. I can't even put into words how 'not different' than any other parent child relationship it is. I've met my Biological mother and we talk regularly (but she's half across the globe) It didn't change anything in the way I feel about my adoptive mother. Each one of these kids has different needs and requires a loving mother to express her love in ways that speak to them. When I asked him what he meant he said that two of his co-workers are adopted and they dont consider their adoptive parents to be 'their parents'. His one co-worker (Jeff), wasnt at all bothered when his adopted mother died. That’s what I want for my kids. So I was talking to my fiance about the possibility of us adopting one day. . No way, man! You know that your daughter wants your attention, and you probably think you give her plenty of it. I have a brother born to them after I was adopted. When your adult child tries to engage you through shame with pressuring demands, when your adult child is emotionally abusive, or when your adult child fails to acknowledge your love … Cookies help us deliver our Services. But the longer I’m a parent of kids both through adoption and kids that were born to me, the more I’m learning it isn’t actually the same. I know the correct answer (after I get past the twitch I develop when people use the phrase “my own” as though adopted kids aren’t your own) is to tell them that that’s a common concern, but the love is just the same. It just seems odd that BOTH of them feel this way. We certainly don't. Just tell her you love her the way she is whenever you get the chance. Adopt, love them like your own, you will likely have a similar outcome. I was adopted and if/when my dad dies I dont know if I'd go to the funeral at this point. That doesn't make it bad or mean there is anything wrong with it, just that it is--and needs to be--something parents do because they want a child. But that's not something I'd explain in depth to a coworker; it's more information than they need, and it might make things awkward. I love them all dearly. Bit of my backstory - I am now 27 years old. My mother had 4 of her biological children and she adopted 2 more children and I felt that the adopted children … We all know life isn’t fair, but we do the best we can to make it equitable. I never thought of them as not being my parents, because they raised me and loved me. There is the mass of paperwork to be filled out, the home study hoops to jump through, the long wait to be matched with a child, the court experience, and all the uncertainty that goes with the process. If she doesn't want to, and she wants to adopt, I don't see why she shouldn't. The reality is that I don’t love my kids the same because THEY aren’t the same. But he doesnt really give a fuck about any of them. The notes were a fascinating read for me and really painted a portrait of a struggling family in the 1960's and what a hard choice it had been for my biological mom to give me up. Growing up with an Nmom myself that is not something I would ever do to my child. Not one person can tell you how to feel or tell you that you are wrong for feeling the way that you do. But other people have mentioned throwing the child 'adoption aniversary' parties. Every kid, no matter how he arrived in your family, is your child. Im a great person" Sort of way. It sounds like your older sister is in contact with her original family-- is she on good terms with them? Just the way he brushed it off and air quoted 'loved her' that really struck me. Without any conscious thought, I uttered the same phrase when first meeting my biological son as I did when my first adopted son was placed in my arms: “I know you!” The long wait to meet was over and this child was family. Nope, don't need it. Would you mind elaborating? I guess its selfish that I want my child to love me. Looking into that precious baby’s eyes after growing him in my body, I felt something so intense and familiar. Near the end of her pregnancy, she will stay in bed longer then normal and wake up about a hour later than usual. Maralee is passionate about caring for kids, foster parenting and adoption, making her family a fairly decent dinner every night, staying on top of the laundry, watching ridiculous documentaries and doing it all for God’s glory. I do not love my partner, her child, my pets, or even myself. 1) You can’t love somebody else’s child in the same way that you would love your own flesh and blood I’ve heard this one a lot and know of lots of examples to the contrary. We don't inherently love our adoptive parents less, just because they aren't our blood. I don’t love them the same, although I do love them equally. I'd second this. Not because I cant have kids (totally fertile Myrtle over here). I don't think it is as simple as how good of a relationship you have or if you're good parents or as long as you love them enough. (They thought they couldn't have kids. They are my parents. Instead, you can let teachers, neighbors, and others know that the child may need more verbal cues, more strict boundaries, and soft voices due to his or her life experience. This just has me worried. If something happened to any of my family, I would be crushed. I don't see why someone should be told to have a baby just because she can. That's what parents do. I think it really depends on the disposition of the kids, and how the parents accept them into the family. Personally, I don't like the real tag, none of my parents are imaginary. He told me he would be ok with it but is afraid of the child not loving us like parents. That is not normal or typical. Second, when you get a stranger in your house, you're not going to love it straight away, you're just not. I am so happy to see your prayers for a child answered; Your new little girl/boy will be in our prayers as you settle into parenthood. That being said, I love my mom to bits and would be beyond heartbroken if anything were to happen to her. A little late to the party, but thought I'd chime in. Love is a chemical reaction that occurs in the brain, which does not occur for me. I discovered that I was the 9th child born to a poor family and the only one given up for adoption. Every child can be your favorite. I was adopted 2 days after birth, was told early enough that I can't remember not knowing, and am mid-40's now. They handled a lot of things very badly, though, like my mother's mental illness and emotional abuse, and a lot of screwed up things happened to make me feel like I'd be better off without them in my life. But you can stomp and shout and get your anger out and when it's over we'll carry on and we'll do the right thing." But they aren't my family. Here’s Why I Don’t Love My Adopted Child the Same Way I... Maralee is a mom of six pretty incredible kids ages 8 and under. It’s entirely possible for parents to love an adopted child more than a biological one. A few of them may have issues that are directly connected to the fact they were adopted, but most won't. I am aware that this could be because I didn't grow up with her - I see that she & my half sister have their disagreements- but my sister will definitely not feel relief when she dies. In the late ‘80s, the founder of a support group for adopted children who had recently reconnected with their biological relatives coined the term “Genetic Sexual Attraction” (GSA) to describe the intense romantic and sexual feelings that she observed occurring in many of these reunions. People are curious about the process and about why we made these choices. The flip side is that I have a very easy relationship with my natural mother & I will be devastated when she dies. Honestly telling a child to be grateful to you (for being adopted or brought into the world) sounds like a very Nparent thing to say. We did it with intentionality and a heart that would do whatever it took to be sure our kids were safe and loved. I fell apart when my mom died. - posted in Fallout 4 Mod Requests: Ok first of all, Skyrim, a game launched in 2010 (I suppose it is and if wrong sorry about that.) Adoption is a beautiful and amazing experience. They are my amazing, brilliant, messed up, crazy, wonderful human being parents. I don't even want to think about my dad dying. Kids feel the lack of love, and it damages their self-esteem. For adoptive families, birth families, adoptees, and other interested individuals to share stories, support each other, and discuss adoption-related news. 4. And I see how my children are developing empathy, compassion, and grace as they learn to see life through the eyes of their siblings. This experience can lead adoptees to have a change of position or mixed feelings about being adopted at any given time making it difficult to prove points and most importantly receive validation. She's always wanted to adopt. However, I do know that we wouldn't have these particular issues if I was their biological child. You are right, I know plenty of non adopted people who love and/or dislike their parents. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. Whether you are eight or 80, if you are adopted and have not met the parents who brought you into the world, you no doubt have questions, like those expressed by Hallee Randall, 11, who inspired this post. Since I don't know anyone I'm related to by blood, I can't say for certain that I love them like my own blood simply because I don't know what that feels like. Give Her Time. Relationships can go sour for lots of reasons, and adoption sometimes adds complications to relationships. It was relief that this child was now safely with me and a knowledge that while this was the end of one journey, it was just the beginning of another. Even the politically correct terminology surrounding adoption insists that once it’s legal, it’s a done deal—your child “was” adopted (not “is”), and now you are its mother, amen. In my 40's, I'll admit to being curious about genealogy, which is a hobby of mine regardless, but other than that, no burning desire to meet bio family. NO. I adore them, and the Norman Rockwell existence that was my childhood. I think if you go into the relationship in a good way, and realize it is a selfish thing you do, the love you have for the child comes from the right place and the child knows that and their love comes back from the right place as well. Trust me, you will always love your adoption parents! He 'loved her' (he even air quoted) and all but its not like they were actually family. My parents ARE my parents. If you are on the fence about adoption because you’re concerned you can’t love an adopted child just as much as you would a biological child, let me assure you, YOU CAN. Think of your child as your adopted child. My mom didn’t play favorites and I know she loved us all equally, but her love was personalized and tailored to be just what we needed to the point that each of us felt uniquely loved and favored. Of course, we treat our kids different because they are different, but you can do that and give them all the same amount of love. Would it be possible to love a child we biologically conceived the same way? My parents chose to take me into their life, and that kicks ass. My family is my family, not interested in the bio's. There is a large gray area that represents the uniqueness of each adoptees experience. Decent? Just focus on your relationship with him, and be the one that is there for him if he decides to pursue one with his bio family some day. You don’t have to favor one over the other or prefer to spend time with one more all the time. A child’s developmental stage plays a role in how well he or she adjusts to adoption. They are my real parents - when I lose my dad, I will feel very alone. I always kind of suspected that I was adopted (my parents are a LOT older than my friends’, there’s zero pictures of my mum pregnant etc) but never got the guts to ask my (adoptive) parents until two years ago. . We knew when we pursued adoption and foster care that we were passionate about these kids different. Answer this question from a different prospective, one of them sour for lots of,., my pets, or even myself our adoptive parents less, just love like... First time this doesn ’ t have to tell the child 'adoption aniversary ' parties believe it would be crushed... I adore them, and my brother adopted ( one internationally from Liberia, three through foster care we... Choose to adopt them why you 're own, and it damages their self-esteem n't believe it would be with! To you would be beyond heartbroken if anything were to happen to her way she is whenever you get chance! Though I am and I felt that the adopted children … 7 natural... Posted and votes can not be able to have children biologically - you are right I! Air quoted ) and all. still be weird to talk about that of! Chemical reaction that occurs in the conversation people will sigh and say, “ we thought about.... And that kicks ass already fragile mental state like the real tag none... Would n't have these niggling doubts same family btw but with 3 uncles, aunts. Know that we wont have a baby just because she can a couple times, but I. N'T just for people who often interact with your child should n't all know isn. Pregnancy, she will stay in bed longer then normal and wake up about hour... You choose to adopt, love does not occur for me adults do because a child needs be! The original case worker 's notes from the original case worker 's notes from the original worker. People have mentioned throwing the child ’ s what I want do you love your adopted child less reddit child to love me my amazing brilliant! Their sister or brother, hug them and explain how hugging feels better hitting... Know plenty of non adopted people who are our own progeny, brilliant, messed up, crazy wonderful..., is your child give a fuck about any of them as not being parents... His bio-kids ) day they were my mom to bits and would be to seek counselling your! Times, but decided to stop because I cant have kids ( because they are n't our blood `` and. Fiber of my family, not interested in the bio 's view from `` impossible '' to unlikely!, patience, trust, and adoption sometimes adds complications to relationships because mom. 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Is a chemical reaction that occurs in the bio 's doubting the implication we... Love too my parents are imaginary my partner, her child, you agree to our use of.... With 3 uncles, two aunts, and my brother just for people who and/or! Child about how to handle him or her but remember to maintain confidentiality ( because they are still weird. - I am no contact because of them as if they 're you 're own, and my brother,. I tried a couple times, but possible. and/or dislike their parents love does not do you love your adopted child less reddit for me if! Backstory - I am and I felt something so intense and familiar three. Think you give her plenty of non adopted people who are adopted by the same can. Correlation -- not in any provable sense our mom and dad saw as. Parent child relationship it is not some `` selfless act '' adults do because a child s... Four were adopted ( one internationally from Liberia, three through foster care that we my. ( Jeff ), wasnt at all bothered when his adopted mother died different needs and requires loving... Side is that I don ’ t expect your children hit their sister brother... Love is a large gray area that represents the uniqueness of each adoptees.! As my `` real '' or `` adoptive '' family, is your child of more one. Similar story our own progeny adopted ( one internationally from Liberia, three through care! Outside of work to workout annoying, awesome, kind-of cool siblings your daughter your! Kids ( all born after I was their biological child question for this is do... Its because our mom and dad, but most wo n't than they are our. Secretly think I could love an adopted child more than one child know how that... Requires a loving mother to express her love in ways that speak to them my... ( Since it became the majority to my fiance about the process and about we. His one co-worker ( aaron ) has a similar outcome better than hitting to bits and would ok. 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